Friday, July 29, 2011

The Greek Bee

Every year I attend the glorious Greek Festival. Ah yes... the music, the dancing, the art, the history! What fun!!!

I know Greeks are most famous for their delicious traditional foods, but it’s rather rich for my delicate digestive system, so I was happy to enjoy everything BUT the eats.

The live band played their Bouzouki, and the fabulous dancers kicked their feet high, grape-vining to and fro. There I was, sitting on my mobility scooter enjoying the show, when a woman clad in traditional Greek dress placed a tray of pastries under my nose.

“Free sample?” she shouted over the booming music and the audience screaming out OUPA!!!

I knew better than to sample the baklava: it gives me the winds worse than kid-gas, ya know what I mean? So I pointed to a benign looking treat, similar to a simple glazed doughnut hole. “What’s that?” I asked.

I know she answered with something else, but it sounded to me like, “Lo-la-kapou-su-ka-ka.” Yup, that’s right, “Lo-la-kapou-su-ka-ka.” It’s some kind of bread soaked in Bee honey. “Bread and honey?” I thought to myself. “Harmless!”

Thus, I gobbled up two small Lo-la-kapou-su-ka-ka. Mmmmmmmmm! It was absolutely DELISH!!! I shook the crumbs from my fingers, licked my chops, and settled back to enjoy the rest of the music and dance.

Twenty minutes later...

I suddenly learned that Greek Bees, and American Bees are quite different; while American Bees produce a product that we call honey, Greek Bees produce a product called Colon Blow.

You know that feeling you get when you suddenly feel that nightmarish gurgle in the pit of your stomach, normally occurring about ninety seconds before you have explosive diarrhea? Yeah.

Panic set in. The band was playing Zorba the Greek, but all I could hear was the Jaws theme. I frantically switched on my scooter, U-turned, and made a Greek-Beeline to the Ladies Room.

When I arrived and saw the long line of little Greek ladies spilling out the door, Jaws became Psycho. I had only seconds before the Lo-la-kapou-su-ka-ka became actual KA-KA. This was survival, folks--the famous Battle of the Bowel! And so, I did what I HAD to do... I pulled the Handicapped Card. Yes, that special little invisible card that can send you to the front of the line. Before I knew it, the little Greek ladies had parted like the Red Sea to allow
me safe passage.

Once safely inside the stall... well... um... you remember that famous bathroom scene in the movie Dumb and Dumber? Yeah... Imagine that echoing off the walls of a public bathroom filled with (now silent) little Greek ladies. Thank goodness the toilet flushed.

Lesson learned: Greek Bees could corner the market in laxatives. Lo-la-kapou-su-ka-ka may have cleaned me out, but ooooooooooooh was it good!!!

While we may never know for sure what delicacy Mixer enjoyed at the Festival, in doing some online research we think it just might have been Loukoumades


• Bee with Honey clip art & Greek Dancer with Crowd photo:
These images were found at more than one location on the internet, making ownership unclear. If you are the copyright owner please contact us for attribution.
Photo of Loukoumades snatched from the Karinatic web site.

• Check out the Sacramento Greek Festival Facebook page. CLICK HERE AND LIKE THEIR PAGE!
• Greek website

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